Don'ts for Boys
Don'ts for Boys
In the Beginning...
Before we even get to the "relationship" stage,
everyone goes through that awkward should-we-or-shouldn't-we
phase. You know, do I like him/her, should I ask him/her
out, do I consider him/her a friend or what. The key to this
stage is honesty. If you remain honest about your feelings,
no one gets hurt. Remember, honesty is the best policy.
If you like me, ask me out. We're not in high school anymore.
If I liked you, I'd ask you out.
If we go on a first date, and it doesn't go well, don't
bother with "I'll call you". Leave, gracefully.
If we fuck on the first date, it doesn't mean I am waiting
for an engagement ring to appear on the second date.
Don't lie. I'm a professional, and I can smell
a lie a mile away. You see, I wrote the manual.
Call when you say you're going to call. Because, otherwise,
I will wait for you to call. And that's not nice.
Don't play footsie over dinner and then behave like
nothing has transpired. Hello, have you not seen "Flashdance"?
Don't tell my friends that you think I'm cool and
special unless you mean it. Remember the rule of telephone:
you tell my friends, they tell me. I end up thinking you're
cool and special. Then, when you don't do anything
I'll be forced to realize you're not.
If you're bi, tell me up front. If you're confused
about your sexuality, don't take it out on me and don't
get me entangled in your web of confusion. Plus, if I dig
it, think of all the fun junk we could do together.
Don't use being drunk as an excuse for "accidentally"
kissing me.
If you kiss me, drunk or not, you have a BIG KISS to deal with.
Don't call me if you haven't gotten over your last
girlfriend/boyfriend/mother.
I'm not an understudy for a psycho-romantic-drama.
Don't monopolize the conversations with anecdotes
about yourself (unless they're really funny). Remember
to chat. Asking questions out of sincere interest is very
attractive.
Don't use the I'm-not-ready-for-a-relationship
excuse. I'll think you're trying to get rid of
me by relying on stale, uninspired stock-phrases. Talk
it through, honestly.
Don't screen my calls. It's weird, creepy and
lame.
Do not pretend to like me in order to fuck me. If you want to
fuck me, tell me. I can engage in sexual discourse without
becoming emotionally attached, and I could always use
a boy toy.
Do not tell me that you want to spend the weekend with me and
then call me at 10:30 on a Thursday night to bail. Or not call
at all. I won't be devastated/emotionally crushed
if you don't want to hang out. Of course, I will be disappointed,
but being blown off/dissed is much less damaging than not
knowing and wondering why. The latter is based on deception,
which does not allow for resolution of feelings; the former
is based on true feelings, which demands closure.
Don't be afraid to fall in like with me, you big baby.
Don't kiss and tell. But, because I know you will, you
slob, do me the favor of not degrading me. If you can remember
to mention that I'm cool or funny or smart and that you're
super lucky to even be telling your friends about my naked-action,
you'll at least not be adding insult to the injury.
If we live in different cities, and we know we are attracted
to each other, don't get all huffy on me when I ask, "So,
when will you be in town again?"
Don't be afraid of falling in like with me just because
I live in a different city. Long-distance romances have
their advantages. Sure, it is hard to base your feelings
on phone calls but look at all the fun parts of a long-distance
romance: we don't have to get married, we don't
have to see each other all the time, it allows complete exploitation
of one's own sexual freedom and don't forget the
keyword in romance: anticipation.
The Relationship...
Don't pester me with lame-ass questions like, "Where
is this relationship going?" A relationship is a
dynamic and vital form of expression, not a bad plot line
or two lost motorists.
If we are engaged in a long-distance romance, do not freak
out when you ring me up at 3 am my time and I am not there. I have
a life too, but that does not mean I am out somewhere having
sex with someone else.
Don't get all bent out of shape if I earn more money than
you. It's either old-school machismo or new-school
oversensitivity. Just hang, bud, lunch is on me. Today.
Don't try to one-up me. If my week was crazy, don't
insist yours was crazier. If mine was fantastic, don't
insist yours was fantastic-er. Be supportive. That always
works wonders.
Don't go on tour with your stupid band and call me when
you feel like it.
Don't borrow my car to cheat on me. I don't want
to make payments on the source of a painful memory.
Don't tell me you were drunk and don't know how
you ended up in some girl's bed naked with a couple of
used condoms strewn around the bed.
Don't call me a jealous freak and then act all jealous
when you see me cracking up with other boyz.
Don't tell me you are having lunch with her because
you don't want to hurt her feelings. You're not
that nice, she's not that weak, and I am not that stupid.
Don't come home from vacation with: hickeys on your
neck; strange underwear in your suitcase; receipts from
Victoria's Secret; a box of condoms with a bunch missing;
an unexpected rash; scratches on your back.
Do come home from vacation lovesick for me with a big cool
present and a bouncy hard-on.
Don't squeeze my juicy butt at parties to prove you
own me. Squeeze it at home to prove you want me, right now.
Don't forget to introduce me to your friends, unless
you know I won't like them. In which case, hey thanks.
Don't try to get the waitress's phone number while
I'm at the table, or wait until I go to the bathroom and
then immediately break-up with me upon my return.
Don't show all the naked pictures of me you've
taken to your loser friends.
Don't pretend you were out with the boys last night
when I know for a fact that you weren't.
Don't put your friends before me. It's me, me,
me, first, first, first. Always.
Don't put my choice of friends down. Remember, I never
let them put you down, clown.
Don't act like we never talked about going to the Virgin
Isles together; I'm rarely given to complete delusion.
No carnations or single red roses. Not to be your personal
Emily Post, but they're corny.
Don't order me diet food while I am in the bathroom.
Order me cake. Something with chocolate fudge would be
great.
Don't tell me: not to get hysterical; not to overreact;
that I am imagining things; that I am on the rag.
Don't forget my birthday, for God's sake.
Do not raise your voice; It will only put me off and make me
want to remain silent while you lose control of yourself,
at which point you will no longer be in control-you'll
just be wound up.
Don't tell me in an exasperated tone that you have told
her over and over again never to call. Here's a thought:
if you hang up, she won't call back.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not get possessive. Nothing scares
a girl off faster than a possessive partner. If I am having
lunch with a colleague and bump into my ex-lover at their
office, it does not mean I stole a "quickie"
in the bathroom while my colleague was getting her coat.
Please. This can not be stressed enough. If I am with you,
there is a reason. Especially if I am no longer with him.
Sex
DO NOT ever fuck me, come inside me, and then say "I
gotta go, " 'cause if you do, you'd better.
Do not fuck me on Sunday and not call me till Wednesday. Call
me on Monday. Remember this little rhyme: Sunday called
Monday in One day.
Morning breath is not a disease. We both have it, so get over
it and kiss me when we wake up together.
Don't touch all the good parts while I'm sleeping
unless it's with intent to wake me.
Don't sniff my undies. It creeps me out.
Don't keep telling me your parents won't hear
us.
Don't ask me to fuck your friends. How would you like
it if I asked you to...wait.
Don't ask me how many guys I've slept with. I can
barely keep count sometimes.
Don't ever try to have sex with me with your socks on.
It makes me think of Woody Allen and Richard Nixon. And look
at them.
"Don't touch" doesn't mean "Wait,
touch".
Don't forget that foreplay means the play before and
play is fun.
Don't forget that my nipples are not detachable, nor
can they tune in Tokyo.
Don't get up-tight if I want to masturbate. Help or
watch; it looks pretty cool.
Don't ask me to count my orgasms after we do it.
Don't tell me how any of your old girlfriends "did
anything". Put that stupid shoe on the other foot
and see how ugly it looks.
Don't tell me I'm cute when I am trying to be sexy.
Pay attention.
Don't have sex while you're answering the phone.
Don't say, "Thanks it was fun!"
Don't use the following excuses to get out of spending
the night with me: have to get up early; curfew; roommate
may get lonely; must walk dog.
Don't tell me to go down on you first if you are planning
to absolutely not go down on me.
Don't ask me to swallow anything you wouldn't
swallow yourself.
Don't tell me that condoms: don't fit; don't
feel good; you're allergic.
Don't watch TV during sex unless its porn.
Don't ask me if you're the best; it's not a
contest.
Don't tell me this won't hurt.
Don't tell me you can pull out in time.
Don't tell me I'm not wet enough, like it's
an insult.
Don't ever ask me if my trip to the gynecologist is a
turn-on.
Do not insist on videotaping our sexcapades. If you want
to make me your fucking co-star, ask me if I'd like the
part.
AND
If you can't come with a condom on, warn me. I may take
it personally, otherwise.
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